“I WANT MY PANCAKES. YOU PROMISED WE WERE HAVING PANCAKES AND THAT WAS AN HOUR AGO AND I WANT THEM NOW!”

His Dad tried to calm him and asked him to be reasonable (something a very literal-minded Asperger’s sufferer defines differently than a ‘normal’ person). “Max. Your cousin is very ill. She may be dying. You’re going to have to be patient. We’ll get you the pancakes as soon as we can, but we’re all worried and waiting to hear from the doctor if she’s going to be live.”

“YOU PROMISED ME PANCAKES. I DON’T CARE IF SHE DIES. I WANT MY PANCAKES LIKE YOU PROMISED.”

Max proceeded to ‘have a melt down’, as it’s called in the Asperger’s world. (I personally call it ‘Having a loopy thing’ as it feels like I’m in a continuous visual/sensory/auditory loop of confusion and expectation that I can’t get out of and I have trouble breathing. Thanks to coaching and therapy, it now happens rarely.)

Later, as he was eating his pancakes, his Dad tried to explain to him about empathy, and that he owed his Aunt an apology for saying he didn’t care if his cousin died. To which Max replied: “Dad, are you mad at me because I have Asperger’s ?”

Of course, there is no simple answer to that question.

My ‘thing’ – and Aspies have a ‘topic’ they concentrate on – has always been systems: how people interact; how decisions get made; how mistakes happen; how families work; how communication works/doesn’t work. The good news is that with all of the years I’ve studied and developed my ideas, and all of the decades I’ve had coaching and therapy, I’m able to work with global corporations, and actually do some good in the world, albeit with a charming twist to my personality (I’m told. To me, it’s normal and I can’t figure out what is so unusual.).

As an Asperger’s sufferer, I don’t always know the ‘right’, or politically correct, thing to say. I have a set of time slots in my brain that everything gets compared with – so when I think  someone should have responded to an email I might write back to find out what’s going on (called pushy by some), but which feels reasonable if I’m not given any other timeline (Why people don’t just respond “Busy now. Will connect next week.” is beyond me.). I sometimes miss nuance, and take things too literally.  My speaking patterns are different from ‘normal’ folks, and I relate quite intensely and super-honestly.

When I was giving a speech recently, I began by saying that I had Asperger’s and folks might find my speaking patterns unusual, but if they could hang in, they’ve find my content thought-provoking, useful and visionary. And fun – I’m a lot of fun. My client came up to me afterwards and said that a handful of people came up to him saying that I was ‘needy’. “She told you she’s got Asperger’s. I found her charming, brilliant, and very authentic.”

I’ve had years of coaching, therapy, and group work to learn social skills, but I still have an ‘interesting edge’. Thankfully, it doesn’t seriously affect my ability to be professional, although it is noticable. With Bethlehem Steel once, the head of the group I’d worked with for 2 years was handing me off to another division head. I overheard the new guy ask my regular client: “Is she always like this?” to which my client replied. “Yes. And she’s wonderful. You will grow to love her.”

Over the years, I’ve been ignored, thrown out of groups, and walked away from, in situations where folks aren’t open to anything out of the ordinary (My clients are visionaries who relate to my brain and heart.). I’ve had wonderful meetings that turned to nothing as folks were uncomfortable with my communication differences. I’ve had people refuse to work with me, saying that I’m just different. When any of the above happen, I”m absolutely baffled. Sometimes I think that because my models are so challenging that folks use my style as an excuse to not have to consider something new.

Internally I can’t understand when or why or how I make some folks uncomfortable (and others not at all), or why when someone says ‘How are you?” I have to respond ‘fine’ even if that’s not true. (Why we ask each other how we are when we don’t want to know the answer is still a mystery to me.).

To be fair, I’ve also been given huge possibility and my brain has developed some truly creative/innovative stuff. And wonderful partners regularly move beyond their immediate comfort zone to think out-of-the-box with me becauses they easily trust my honesty and care. Because the same problem that causes my social issues gives me the ability to innovate and make a difference in the world.

I was deeply touched by Max’s question: are you mad at me because I have Asperger’s? Unfortunately for me – and for others who don’t fit into the norm – the answer is yes. Many of you are mad at me because I respond differently or ask unusual questions. But my world inside feels/looks different from other’s worlds. And I get very curious about things others don’t notice.

So the best I can do is find the right friends, colleagues, and clients who have open hearts, are seeking greater success and authenticity, and can  feel/hear/see and love me as I am – with or without the pancakes.

sd

Sharon Drew is a featured speaker at the Search Insider Summit – May 4 – 7 , 2011

Asperger’s, Max, and Me is a post from: SharonDrewMorgen.com

So whether a buyer seeks a new solution and must get buy-in from the relevant people, or a user needs to use the new software, or an initiative needs agreement from the relevant team members to move forward, or a person may want to donate to one charity rather than another, new decisions are necessary or change won’t happen.

What, exactly, is a decision? In Dirty Little Secrets, I define a decision as: “…a series of conscious and unconscious choices that result in change that maintains the integrity of the whole. In other words, decisions must be congruent with the rules and agreement of the underlying environment, and certain not to create chaos for the system.’ (pg 239)

INFORMATION DOESN’T TEACH SOMEONE TO DECIDE

Decisions must maintain the congruence of the system they are being decided in. So if you’re going to decide to lose weight, your proposed changes must maintain the underlying beliefs around your current food choices, or you won’t change your habits. If you are starting a new initiative, you must make sure the folks know how to align their beliefs, ego issues, job identity, and social identity, with the proposed change, before they’ll make a creative effort to support you.

In fact, all decisions must be based on the underlying criteria (of the system) or they will either not be carried out or they will be sabatoged in some way. In other words, without buy-in, change can’t happen. And buy-in demands a new decision.

Unfortunately, leaders often assume if they focus on the correct result, offer the best information in the best way (rational, well-said, well-presented, nice) that folks will agree and follow. Or should. But we all know that’s not true. When we work hard at presenting rational, good data as the means to align behaviors, and then get push-back, we often blame the ‘follower’ rather than realizing that possibly we haven’t managed our leadership skills effectively. Not to mention that we’ve never been offered the skills to actually teach people how to make their own best decisions, separate from our biases.

HOW TO INFLUENCE WITH INTEGRITY

Imagine if you believed that folks only made new decisions when their beliefs were engaged, and not on the relevancy of your request or information. What, then, do you do to ensure buy-in? Let me ask that another way: How can you make sure that you get creative buy-in for any change initiative that gives your folks not only a leadership role, but the opportunity to truly leave an imprint on the change?

Here are a few Facilitative Questions for you to consider:

What would you need to believe differently in order to see your role as a neutral navigator – a GPS system if you will - and lead change from ‘structure’ not the ‘content.’  What would you need to believe to be willing to give up your personal view of what the change should look like and be willing to allow the change to take shape from within by aligning all of the ideas and creativity of the followers?

How would you know that you could get the most creativity and leadership from folks without reverting to compensation, stories, rules, demands, or presentations?

What would success look like if one of your goals were to help your ‘followers’ discern how to add value to the change in a way that served themselves AND the initiative AND the corporate entity?

In the Argentine Tango, the leader is the vehicle for the follower to shine. If you notice the leader, the leader is not doing his job. In fact, the expression goes like this: the leader opens the door, the follower goes through (using her own personality and presence), and then the leader follows. The entire dance is based on ensuring the follower looks her best, and grows in the process.

Join me tomorrow at my webinar. Let’s continue our conversation in an open format, where all of us can figure out how to move forward.

sd

Leadership Involves Helping Others Decide is a post from: SharonDrewMorgen.com

At different times in my life I taught Cha Cha (!) and became the dance partner of a pro during the Disco/Hustle era. I studied Argentine Tango for 5 years and even spent some weeks studying with a professional in Buenos Aires. I can follow just about any lead in any dance category, and I also like to dance in the middle of the room when my favorite Keb Mo is playing. Dancing fills and soothes my soul.  There: you now have all of my secrets.

Since dancing is such an integral part of my life, I dance even as I travel so such places as Perth (THE place in the world for ballroom dancing) or Oslo (where I once did an inadvertent exhibition dance in a very darkly lit nightclub with an apparently famous investigative journalist) or Lubbock (this upcoming Wednesday at Last Chance). But my very very favorite dancing experience is with my local ‘Dancing Together’ group that meets several times a week.

GABRIELLE ROTH

Originally part of Gabrielle Roth’s Five Rhythms and a local arm of the Wave dance we called Body Choir, we are a group of around 100 or so people who dance together several times a week. We range in age from around 2 (sometimes tiny babies come also) to 89. Our professions range from folks on food stamps to politicians and doctors, massage therapists and restauranteurs, house painters and artists.

We make up all ethnic groups. Our common love is dancing.  We dance in silence and barefoot for 2 hours, individually, in couples, in groups (whatever flows) to world music that someone creates as per Roth’s Waves – Flowing, Stoccato, Chaos, Lyrical, Stillness. The music may be Latin, or Jitterbug, or Tibetan Drums, or ABBA. It doesn’t matter. We just gotta dance.

Sometimes some of us might end up doing something called Contact Imrpov where our bodies fall against each other’s like cards or dominoes, holding the other up (or, individually, we’d collapse), or rolling around the floor (giggling and playing like puppies).

It opens my heart. Touching and supporting another through music and trust.

My dance this past Sunday morning (and each dance is unique) was quite profound. For some reason, several times I ended up with one or two others doing Contact Improv. To do this requires a sensitivity to offer and receive equal weight (or someone will fall) and a certain level of a meditation so one can integrate into this flowing ‘entity.’

No one leads, yet the dance seems to change from within somehow. Everyone follows, so any domination of one of the members is cause to follow. And then the next person becomes the leader. Or not. It is such a sweet flow. Sortof like a Quaker meeting in which things just happen.

WHAT IS LEADERSHIP?

Sunday, as I danced in these pods, I began wondering how one person decided to take the lead for a moment and the others knew, instantly it seemed, to follow, to become receptors, how there seemed to be internal, millisecond agreement to follow each person who imperceptibly took the lead, and how there was no competition: it seemed that there was an equal dominance/receptor equation – each person seemed to take the lead in proportion to the others (men and women taking equal turns leading and following).

How did that flow, that acceptance, that agreement happen – especially with no words spoken? What had to be true for there to be trust in fairness and respect and leadership? Was the non-verbal quality of the experience, or the fact we were all responding to the same music, the difference that makes the difference?

I was thinking about how well-run businesses are similar, or should be anyway. Each person being aware of the greater identity, being fully themselves and offering their talent, while becoming a follower to another’s lead.  An  environment where folks simply trust and respect that everyone will have their own voice and can be nourished and respected, even when another is in charge.

With my upcoming webinar on decision making and influencing with integrity, I’ve begun thinking of leadership, respect, flow, and what influencing is. I keep coming up with new thoughts. Am reading some books on it. It’s certainly a moveable feast at the moment. And I invite you all to join me in thinking about this:

How is dance similar to leadership? Group dynamics? Influencing? And how is trust and respect created and maintained? How do people flow together for the greater good, and know how to serve and respond to each other without competition or roles?

I look forward to having us think about these questions and discuss them together. Who wants to lead?

sd

Dancing Together is a post from: SharonDrewMorgen.com

The definition used in Tango is my favorite:  If you notice the leader, he’s not doing a very good job. The job of the leader is to get the best out of his follower and get out of the way: He opens the door, the follower goes through exhibiting her best, and then the leader follows. I believe that it’s a leader’s job to help followers - colleagues, staff, partners, teammates -  make the decisions they need to make to achieve excellence.

Of course we all know many leaders who believe it’s their job to make the decisions and get their followers to do their bidding. They call that Influencing, and there are many methods and models that teach this. But doing it this way often comes back to haunt: when people are not part of the decision making process and haven’t bought in to the proposed change, they may go through their own brand of sabatoge, acting out, forgetfulness, or misinterpretation en route to following orders. Their knowledge of the environment, of the day-to-day working conditions, and their creative ideas, are ignored. We see this frequently with tech implementations. Indeed, requests made by senior people for ‘underlings’ to do their bidding are often met with failure.

Here is an example that I found to be costly on many levels. I was doing interviews for a book on decision making, and spoke with one of the CEOs of a two-company merger between two extremely well-known brands. This man told me how he went about ensuring the national team bought-in to the change. He developed a multimillion dollar ‘dog and pony’ show, and went out with a team to 30,000 employees in store-fronts across America to give them an understanding of the merger (that had already been planned and executed, with no one’s knowledge or buy-in). How successful was it?

“They all loved it. Loved it. Well, most of them did anyway. There were about 10% who didn’t buy-in.”

SDM: What happened to these 3,000 people?

“They became a retention issue.” [A 'retention issue'?]

SDM: You mean you fired them all?

“Well, we had to. But not to worry: they were the folks that had been around the longest – 18 or 20 years. It was time to make room for new blood anyway.”

They fired the wisdom, the bedrock of their company – the skeleton, the bones, the legacy – because these ’old-timers’ didn’t like a dog-and-pony-show.

GETTING BUY-IN

Imagine if the CEO’s criteria were to keep employees, keep them happy, and use their combined wisdom to help create the sort of change that everyone would buy-in to. Imagine if the CEO thought it was his job to give the employees a chance to buy-in to the change and help influence the direction and execution of it. Imagine if the CEO helped the 30,000 people decide to actively support it and offer creative ideas throughout the process, thus becoming an asset to the merger. And then get to keep the history of the company.

Change happens when the internal systems issues become willing and able to buy-in to disruption and a new reality, and are able to see a clear route through to implementing the new in a way that leaves their jobs in tact, their egos accentuated, their ideas worthy of consideration. In other words, the people, policies, rules, relationships and historic issues that maintain the status quo must be involved with aspects of the proposed shift. After all, that is what a system is: it’s a group of interdependent elements that work together to create a set of agreed-upon rules and roles. Change represents a disruption of the system, and system will work hard to maintain their status quo.

In order to lead folks through to change, a leader must help those in the system buy-in to a shift in their system. Each person in the system – individually and as a group – must  decide to help, shift, learn, and become an active part of the change in order to ensure that the change will be implemented successfully. We all know that to date, most technology implementations cost $5 to fix every $1 expenditure in technology, because of the problems getting buy-in to the change.

How ’bout if our leaders learn how to facilitate decision making? If they hold as ideal the ability to get buy-in, gather creative ideas, instill dedication and commitment BEFORE any proposed change, and find a way to help them manage parts of the change internally, on their own, from the bottom up. Imagine.

To see a presentation I gave to an annual World Future Society conference 2 years ago, please click here.

I look forward to having ongoing conversations with you all about this topic. In this time of change and confusion, I believe it’s necessary for our leaders learn to facilitate the decisions and choices of our colleagues and employees so they can buy-in and add value.

sd

Leadership and Decision Making is a post from: SharonDrewMorgen.com

Tery Tenant, a colleague in the change management and leadership industry, is a committed change agent. He teaches, writes about, communicates about, being a Servant Leader – a term I’ve been using for myself for over 20 years so I’ve got a bit of a bias going here. His company, Attainment Inc., is a franchise of  Leadership Mmanagement International, and has been leading change for 21 years with his wife Linda.

Their stuff is really cool: they teach people how to be aware of what they want to change, and then gives them the tools to change. Tery says his job, ultimately, is to ”work ourselves out of a job, as the client grows and can do these things for themselves.” Refreshing!

At the core of their process is facilitating behavior change. They work toward achieving measurable behavior-change results. Attainment says, ”What you are doing differently and the new habits you are forming is as important as what you are learning. We use a two track process. One track provides awareness, ideas and tools. The second track focuses on applying the ideas on the job and achieving small goals weekly.”

CHANGING BEHAVIORS WITH INTEGRITY

Different from my decision facilitation material that goes after change from the level of beliefs, Tery works in interesting ways with behavior change: they have a list of very sophisticated programs to create awareness for change, develop leaders, set goals, and measure performance. Go to: Attainment’s Behavior Change Process and have a look around. Btw, Tery told me to send you to that link, but I prefer this page: Getting Value & ROI from Your People Development Activities. You choose. The site has a lot of great reading material on it as well.

Personally, Tery is a man who can be trusted, and walks his talk – a very rare commodity these days. Both he and Linda are deeply committed to making a difference, and finding and creating leaders to make the world a better place. If you are seeking to enhance your employees skills, and want them to be people who you are proud of, Attainment is the group for you. Good job, folks.

sd

Together, they lead to measurable behavior changes and goal achievement. Our process includes:

• Identify Specific Goals and Behavior Changes
• Establish Measurement for Each Goal
• Create Communication Triangle with Participant, Participant’s Manager, Attainment Facilitator
• Spaced Repetition of New Ideas (CDs and Reading)
• Participate in Facilitated Classes (a few hours a week over a period of time)
• Set and Achieve Weekly Goals
• Review Goals and Progress Throughout Program

Changing Behaviors With Attainment is a post from: SharonDrewMorgen.com

The only thing I found lacking was a Reading List that would have offered me recommendations on books to read to catch me up in the areas I wanted to persue more deeply. But maybe they will get to that. There is also a section for HR professionals, and one for Leaders. Clearly this group has a corner on the market for business tool kits, and they do it with great passion and professionalism.

If you have some new Managers, or want your folks to learn some new skills for Leadership, this is an easy-to-use guide to Mangement/Leadership With Integrity.

For more senior managers, I’d like to recommend two books that I use as ‘thought provokers’ when I sit down to write about decision making:
Organizational Culture and Leadership (second edition) by Edgar H. Schein (Jossey Bass) and On Being Certain: Believing You Are Right Even When You Are Not by Robert A. Burton MD (St Martin’s Press). Both of these books offer insight into human behavior and how groups and people work together to make the decisions necessary for excellence. More skills based, these books will help your managers learn how to understand and monitor their own behaviors first.

Here is a site to go to that will introduce you to definitions for ‘corporate culture’ and ‘systems’ – both major themes in my new book coming out soon (The Dirty Little Secret: why buyers don’t buy and sellers don’t sell and what to do about it), as without a buyer navigating the elements of their system in a way to make change a viable choice, no purchasing will happen. Having a good understanding of culture and systems is vital for any sales person as well as managers and leaders. Check it out. http://managementhelp.org/org_thry/culture/culture.htm

http://www.goodpractice.com

Business Practices for Managers is a post from: SharonDrewMorgen.com