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I hate being this busy

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Yesterday my VISA card was declined. Seems I hadn’t paid my bill last month – and the fact that I always pay the full balance on time  didn’t register on their computer. Why didn’t I pay my bill? For the same reason I forgot to do a whole host of things: I’m absolutely overwhelmed. And the bill is somewhere, under something.

I cannot find my desk. I’m sure it’s there, as something must be holding up all of these pieces of paper.


I cannot keep up with my calendar. People change times, I shift appointments. For some reason, I end up losing a percentage of these changes and need to check when I get a vague memory of something wrong.

I can’t keep up with my emails. This week my computer decided to delete my many-thousand ‘sent’ files. I attempt to delete a hundred or so a day but that’s not enough apparently and I woke up to find zero – zip – 0 – files. How can I now remember who hasn’t gotten back to me? With so many new emails coming in, I never get a chance to go back and look at who owes me an email. Funny, I seem to be functioning well without them.

I can’t keep up with my life. I buy all my food at the ‘prepared food’ section at Whole Foods. There is no time to cook, so I just grab ‘something.’ Don’t get me started on finding time to get haircuts and do my nails. And I haven’t had a date in…. um… I think since last December when I was in Sydney, Australia. So much for being a human.

Last night at 10:17 I got an email from a client in the UK (where it was 4:17 a.m.!) and a cc’d response from a US client here in Austin. Why weren’t we all sleeping, or watching Jon Stewart, or sharing some Port with our spouses? I emailed back to them: What’s going on here? Surely we’ve got to get a life! One of them responded: This IS my life!


I am beginning to hate coming to my desk in the morning when I’m in town: I get an immediate stomach ache. I spend 3 hours a day answering email, 4 hours returning/making calls, one hour at the gym, writing 4 blog posts a week, making 10 cold calls a day, and taking coaching calls with clients. I begin my real work at 7:00 pm. The thought of spending a Saturday or Sunday cleaning up the mess is more than I can cope with. It’s bad enough I work Friday night – although I do take off at noon on Friday to go to the movies!

If I don’t have some down time, I’ll have a heart attack. I’m already so stressed that my body is reacting in many unspeakable ways. And my creativity is lost somewhere — so sad, as that’s my very favorite part of me. So I take off Saturdays and Sundays and lay in my hammock, reading a novel or two (and yes, sometimes a business book or book on decision making) and drool. And by Sunday evening, I begin to get a few ideas.

I know I’m not the only one. I just haven’t figured out what to do about it. I sometimes think about retiring, to sit on top of a mountain in Peru, or be a waitress in a restaurant in Juno, Alaska (and just read books for the dark months while living on my tips).

The internet has speeded everything up. All communication, all possibility. All the time. Sure, it’s a boon. But it’s exhausting, and it’s killing me. And I haven’t figured out how to make sense of my life. Or even have one. Just saying.


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